7 Ways Moms can Change the World: Promises After Another School Shooting
UPDATE: this post was written after the Uvalde school shooing in 2022, but many of these promises are true in any hate-filled and divisive time.
There have been more than 230 school shootings since Columbine in 1999. If you feel hopeless, you aren’t alone. Aside from the obvious effort of calling and emailing your representatives, here are 7 more concrete ways you can be part of the solution to end school gun violence.
I spent a good part of yesterday cycling between tears, disbelief, and anger. Each time I picked up a stray sock or hair band, unpacked lunches, or folded laundry I thought of the moms who lost a child… how she’d still have to pick up the hair tie, but would never make a pony tail again. It made me think about what I could actually DO to create change. And aside from calling my representatives, all I can do is start at home.
I promise I will:
Teach my children they can always change their minds.
Always. No matter what path they start to walk down, they can stop and change direction. It’s never too late. And I have their backs.
The benefits of this are far reaching: You told your friends you’d go to a party, but feel uncomfortable? You can change your mind. Told your boyfriend you’re ready for sex? You can change your mind. You’ve been mean to a classmate? You can change. Your wedding is a month away and you see major red flags? You can postpone/cancel. In a college major or job you hate? Change paths.
Stop living along straight party lines.
If we don’t have any friends with different beliefs; if we can’t discuss differing opinions or hold logical conversations with people who hold different political beliefs; if we think all pro-choicers are demons, or all NRA members are monsters; if we think that all pro-choicers are anti-NRA and vice versa; then we’re part of the problem. The world is not black and white, and living as if it is divides our nation and enables the politicians to divide us. Division means nothing changes.
I promise to teach our children to look at life from different angles. Model healthy debate. Show them the world is nuanced and complicated. Living as if it isn’t makes me part of the problem, not the solution. Raising children who are blue-or-die or red-or-die will continue this cycle of inaction, where nothing gets done in our country because the two major parties are constantly working against each other.
Encourage tattling.
So often kids hear, “Don’t be a tattle tale” or “Stop tattling on your sister!” or “Snitches get stitches.” The stigma around speaking up is REAL and we need to change that. We can’t tell kids “don’t tell” for 10-12 years, and then magically expect them to tell. If you see something, say something.
I promise to build a home where kids feel comfortable and encouraged to tell if something’s not right. As parents we don’t need to address every “tattle” with a consequence; sometimes it’s enough to thank the child for confiding and make them feel heard.
Again, the implications for this are so far reaching: from dating, to drugs, to sexual assault, to a friend being suicidal … do we want to be the parents who know, can step in, can help, because our kids told us? Or do we want to be the parents who don’t know because our kids don’t tell us?
Recently one of our children shared that a classmate said a teacher did something inappropriate and I reached out to guidance. Our child asked, “But mom, what if it’s nothing?” I said I would rather be the meddling fool than stay quiet when someone might be in harm’s way. It is always better to tell, even if it makes you look bad, you loose face, your friends are mad, or it turns out to be nothing. If you see something, say something.
Check my reactions.
When our kids tell us things we don’t want to hear, how we react to the little things will directly impact if they tell us the big things. If we want them to trust us with the big things, we need to earn that trust over the years.
For me personally, sometimes it’s really hard to react in a neutral or positive way when our kids fess up. But I promise to take a second and remember that someday I want them to tell me they crashed the car, or are at a party drinking, or…. and if I freak out now, they won’t tell me bigger things later in life.
Be a champion for teachers.
Teachers are dying while protecting our children. I can’t even write this one without crying. I promise to back my teachers. To hear their side of the story before automatically assuming the worst.
Trust my gut.
I’m probably going to get some hate for this, but our kids are living in our homes. They aren’t entitled to privacy. If I have even the slightest suspicion that something’s going on, I promise to check their rooms, check their phones, check their laptops. Trust my gut. Their pre-frontal cortex is still developing, so I am their first line of defense against decisions that could ruin their lives or the lives of others.
Conversely, but not hypocritically, I promise to build a community of moms who know that sometimes despite a parent’s best efforts, despite the best upbringing, sometimes kids make bad decisions. Or dig themselves a hole they can’t get out of. Or are just a bad apple. And those parents- the ones who’ve done their best- need compassion and support, not blame.
Work to stop the stigma surrounding mental health issues and therapy.
I will model for our children that everyone needs help – everyone!
I will continually teach and show them it’s normal for people to ask for help. It’s normal for families to work together to solve problems.
And then one step more: It’s normal to get external help. If we have pain in our tooth, we go to the dentist. If we have pain in our body, we go to a doctor. If we have pain in our heart, we go to a therapist. No shame. Normal.
Us moms can’t change laws. But we can start in our homes. We can shape culture. We can shift norms. We can eliminate stigma. We can shape a generation.
Truthfully, I don’t have a huge audience, but if you think any of these ideas are valuable, please share this. Just one more mom, or dad, or grandparent on board can start a ripple effect. What we’ve been doing since 1999 isn’t working. It’s time to work together and make a lasting change.
