Is your child mean or angry? Are you struggling with sarcastic and uncooperative children? Do you need a kindness chart?

I hear you.

Our sweet little six year old had turned mean, angry and uncooperative. He said some horrible things to a classmate and was routinely pushing and hitting his brother and sister.

Plus, when he was reprimanded, he could have cared less. This was new to me. If I so much as look at my older two they check themselves. But Danny? Oh, no. Danny is saying, “Try me, lady!” (or worse!) with those eyes… he will be the cause of all my grey hair, that boy.

So… what to do?

*please note that I am not a therapist- this is what worked for our family. Always seek professional guidance when needed.

First we took away all TV shows that were even remotely linked to violence: Beyblades, Bakugan, Pokeman… gone. And anything sarcastic: How to Train your Dragon, Alvin and the Chipmunks, etc. Gone.  He was given a short list of approved shows: True, Rescue Bots, Wild Krats, Octonauts and Alpha/Number Blocks.

We took away all his fighting toys. Every single one. And every book that supported those themes. All dragons, beyblades, bakugans, etc. were put in a bin in my room.

Then he had to make an apology to the boy at school. He did this by making a “sorry” sign and then later by going to the boy’s house and apologizing to him and his parents. He was scared, and it was hard, but he did it.

And then, the hard work began.

We talked to the older children about limiting their sarcasm, and explained how a 6-year old brain doesn’t truly understand sarcasm yet, so he retaliates with words or punches.

We dramatically increased our connection time with Danny. More reading, more snuggling, more cooking, more helping us, more playing, more building, more, more, more, more.

And then I made a family kindness chart, because even though we really wanted to work on Danny’s kindness, it seemed more effective to have all the children participate. Get your copy at the bottom of this post!

I couldn’t find what I wanted on Pinterest, so I made my own chart.

Although I didn’t spend a lot of time looking on Pinterest, every behavior chart I saw was very specific.

I was looking for something different.

I wanted something very general – how do you define “kindness” in chart form? I needed to be able to make instant calls as we went about our day-- yes, that’s kind; no, that’s not—without conforming to pre-determined and listed/charted ideas. I didn’t want to try to generalize 300 ways to be kind into 10 broad categories for the purposes of a chart.

I wanted to be able to see our children do something kind and have them move up. I wanted to reward even the smallest acts of kindness in the beginning.

I also wanted a chart that would cover a much longer amount of time- it takes more than 66 days to form a habit! Every chart I saw on Pinterest was for a short amount of time. There was no way we were going to shape Danny’s attitude in a week.

So… I made my own chart.

Here’s how the chart works:

The children need to individually move from space to space – they move forward by being kind and helpful. They move backwards by being mean, uncooperative or sarcastic. They are each responsible for their own choices.

They all need to get to a rainbow to get the reward- this makes them want to help each other! The first 2 people to get to a rainbow have to wait there until all 3 of them make it, and then that weekend we do the reward.

You can see that some of the rainbow rewards are pre-determined, and each child got a choice—the kids lived for their choice rewards! We set the ground rule that the reward wasn’t going to be something we buy from a store (toys), but could be an experience the whole family would enjoy. We brainstormed some ideas together before we began.

I also made sure that we stared strong. We started on a Monday and all got to the first rainbow by Friday. I wanted that first week to be super rewarding so they would want to make it to the ultimate prize.

When I made the chart I had NO idea what the ultimate prize would be. It ended up being our first ever trip to the drive-in movies, which was a lot of fun. It could have very easily been anything from $2 each to a trip to Disneyland LOL. By the time we got close it was more about getting there than the actual prize.

This was a total experiment - does the chart work in real life?

I had never seen a behavior chart like this, and I really didn’t know if it would work. But two months later, I can confidently say that it DOES work.

The flexibility for rewarding was awesome:

• Thank you for picking that up. I didn’t mean to drop it. Move up!

• Thank you for helping unload the car without me asking! Move up!

• You’re such a kind boy to worry about the dog! Move up!

• You’re a good helper. Thank you for setting the table so nicely! Move up!

• I asked you twice to stop bothering Maple (our dog). She’s trying to sleep and wants to be left alone. Please move back.  

• Thank you for helping your brother do his chores! Move up!

• You noticed your sister is sad; how kind. Thank you for giving her some space. Move up TWO spaces!

Real life, flying at me, and the chart works!

The flexibility of timing the moves was awesome:

I could adjust the timing by increasing or decreasing my “move up” or “move back” comments. At one point we were getting close to hitting a rainbow right on a birthday, so I decreased the “move ups” and popped a few more “move backs” in there and the birthday passed before we hit the rainbow.

I always timed the moves so the last person got to the rainbow on a Friday. They never caught on… I didn’t want them to all get to the rainbow on a Tuesday and have to wait 3 days for the reward. I know instant gratification is a problem, but it’s hard enough for them to work for days and then have to wait days longer for the reward, you know?

And the length to complete was juuuuust right. It took us about a month and a half to complete the chart, and the children didn’t lose interest. After we finished, they even asked to do it all over again with different rewards (we haven’t… yet! Maybe summertime!).

Did the chart produce RESULTS? Was Danny kinder by the end?

That first week without his favorite shows and toys and having to apologize was the worst. He was an angrier boy. But that week we also increased connections and started the chart, and just moving up was a reward.

As we started the 2nd week, we began noticing a difference. By the end of the 6 weeks, he was a kinder and happier child. He has currently earned back a few of his dragon toys & books (not all), and there are dramatically less physical and verbal exchanges with his brother and sister.

I mean, children— siblings— are going to fight… they aren’t perfect robot children, but it’s so much better than before. We also noticed an increase in empathy in our older children. They were less sarcastic and more willing to see things from another’s point of view.

In all, I would absolutely recommend this kindness chart! So much so that I made one for you! Head over to the printable page to grab yours.

If you found this helpful, please pin or share - it means a lot to me!

Thanks for being here!

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